Apparently so.. aww, remember when we thought Donald Trump was a threat to world peace? And that Brexit was a genuine existential problem?
And so we come to 2023, having endured plague, economic catastrophe and war in Europe.. it really is true that you only realise you’re in a Golden Age after its’ gone. Still, at least it can’t get any worse, right?
RIGHT?
Anyway – we figured that a great way to wind up a pretty shitty year would be to get as far away from reality as possible, 38,000 years into the future and return once more to the world of Hazzard. Since our last scrap, we’ve added a HELL of a lot of kit to both the Ork and Imperial sides, not to mention a small contingent of Squat allies – so stay tuned, this should be a good one.
I rolled out Waagh-Bozzhog, recently reinforced with aDeath Skull clan – and of course Big Red from a few years ago – and the order of battle was thus:
Evil Sunz clan reinforced with Nobz Warbikes, Gobsmashas, Bowelburnas, Spleenrippas and Mekboy Dragster
Goff Clan reinforced with Lungburstas, Gutrippas and Skullhamma battle fortress
Bad Moon Clan reinforced with Braincrushas, Squig Catapults and Weirdboy Battletowers
Death Skull Clan reinforced with Bonebreaka and Stompas
Ork Warlord & Stompas
Slasher Gargant
“Big Red” – Great Gargant.
This lot topped out at 6,600 points, so yeah – game on!
Jim pondered and decided that after the Redeemers had taken such a kicking in their last game and it would take time to replenish their geneseed, it would be my DIY Guard and his DIY Squats taking centre stage. Standing up to the orkish horde would be:
So, with forces chosen, we rolled up a battlefield, placed objectives and had at it!
Look at all that delicious cardstockBattle lines are drawnThe Imperial coalitionMy ladz, Waagh-Bozzhog, bigger and stringer than ever!More shots of da boyzThe Hazzard 1977th prepare to roll forward on the Imperial right flank“We might need an Imperator…”With an almighty “WAAAAAAAGH!!!”, the ladz roll forwards – Goffs lead the Death Skulls with Warlord Bozzhog on the Ork left with the Slasher, Big Red anchors the centre, the Bad Moons roll into position to provide fire support and the Evil Sunz zoom off in a furious charge to take out the Squat artillery and tanksGoffs pour forward along the valley floor, Death Skulls in supportImperial armour wheels to face the Evil Sunz and protect the SquatsLeviathan faces down the Slasher as the Guard rolls into positionImperial guns open up on the charging Orks!Squat Grand Battery, Colossus and infantry all open up on the Evil Sunz, but will it be enough?
Massed fire from the Guard infantry bite into the Deathskulls and strip the power felds off the Slasher, allowing the Leviathan to administer the coup de grace!On the Imperial left, however, it’s carnage as the Breathless Vengeance falls to massed fire from the Bad MoonsEvil Sunz close assault the Squat Grand Battery, and a couple of the Guard Vindicators to bootThis ends pretty much as expectedLand Raiders & Warlord Titan combine to down Big Red, whilst the combined fire of the Bad Moons and their lethal Weirdboy Battletowers turn the town to rubble, slaughtering the Squat infantryEvil Sunz are in amongst the Imperial lines, causing havoc but taking serious losses in the processGoffs charge in as the Death Skulls retreat, whilst Warlord Bozzhog and his Stompa Mob turn their fury on to the Leviathan, destroying it utterly!Goffs assault into the woods, capturing Objective 7 from the GuardCarnage across the board! At this point Jim was keeping his Space Marines sheltered for a counterattack, having learned from previous games..Hard to say who’s winning here…
…but as it turned out, the Imperials had the good fortune to explode both the Gargants from internal fires, and had caused just enough casualties to break the remaining clans! Despite having lost a Land Raider Company, all the Squats, the Leviathan and most of the Vindicators there was still a solid core of Guard forces plus a Veteran Marine company as yet untouched… so yet again, Warlord Bozzhog’s dastardly plans have come to naught!
Jim admitted he really thought that was in the bags for the Boyz, crediting pure luck with the destruction of the Gargants, and part of me agrees woth him… ah well, all the more excuse to reset and go again! And how will the Squat community on Hazzard feel about seeing their forces massacred while the Redeemers Space Marines cowered in their Rhinos, I wonder… might have the war on Hazard taken another turn??
It’s probably fair to say that one thing EVERYONE on earth has in common, is that 2020 is not playing out the way the wanted or expected it to.
Or if it is playing out the way you wanted, well, f*ck you and the horse you rode in on.
In any case, the lockdown has robbed me of gaming buddy (not a COVID casualty, mercifully, just being careful and following the rules – getting pissed and playing soldiers with your mate hardly counts as essential travel business) , so in his absence I’ve been busying myself with readying a new faction for One Page Rules Grimdark Future / Future Force Warrior / 40k. You’ll have already seen their armour contingent, now here are the lads themselves!
As I mentioned, I think the “Rebel Guerilla” faction are meant to represent the Rebel Alliance from Star Wars, but I kind of like the idea that 40k and Star Wars kind of represent two sides of the same coin.. Luke Skywalker and co. might think they’re fighting for freedom, but in fact they’re just dupes of the Chaos Gods, killing for Khorne, fulfilling the machinations of Tzeentch, their defiance feeding Nurgle.. as for Slaanesh, I guess Leia snogging her brother in Empire Strikes Back ticks that box! Meanwhile God-Emperor Palpatine knows the TRUE nature of “The Force” and knows that only brutal repression can prevent mankind’s corruption at it’s hands.
So with that in mind, pics!
I began with a box of old Airfix WW2 commandos, some greenstuff, cardboard.. and hope!And we’re ready for primer!As with the tank, spray primed black as that’s all I had, and then a couple of coats of tan craft paint to get the base coat onWashed with Vallejo smokey ink thinned with Windsor & Newton acrylic mediumAnd here they are! The Hazzard People’s Front 237th Brigade (Hazzard People’s Front? F*CK OFF! We’re The People’s Front Of Hazzard..)
I even had a bit of a backstory for these lads – originally part of a PDF territorial reserve unit tasked with internal security operations, these lads were sent to arrest a cell of four individuals tasked with Warp/ Force sorcery… but when they arrived to round them up they found they couldn’t quite remember why they were there, and their CO suddenly found that he bitterly resented propping up a corrupt and inefficient administration that had one law for the many and one for it’s cronies. Ever since then, they’ve been on the run, existing as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them.. maybe you can join The Hazzard People’s Front!
Building on the idea of “baddies who think they’re goodies”, I went with a paint scheme inspired in equal parts by Return Of The Jedi, Rogue One, and the Vraksian Renegades from WH40K. Craft paint tan for the base uniforms, washed with thinned brown and black inks, webbing done with Vallejo Olive Drab. I think it came out rather well, something sinisterish about it but without overplaying it. These lads don’t know they’re baddies yet, remember- skulls and spikes all over everything might give the game away!
Commander Khorr Bynn, former PDF reserve officer, now a fearless warrior in the cause of social justice!Simian Champion – Loretta, known amongst the crew as StanRebel Psychic cabal – who could arrest these poor innocent souls, merely yearning for a better life and casting the odd spell to try and make it happen… Sniper squad – basic conversion, just added greenstuff cloaks to the WW2 Airfix Commandos. I can do cloaks. That’s about it though.Striker squad – these lads like to get stuck in with shotgun and energy swords…“Look at their glands!” The Millibandorian boys – greenstuff cloaks, cardboard wings and added FN FALs to represent plasma riflesFinally, the grunts! Rebel Squad 1 and Rebel Squad A, led by Brian and Reg respectivelyAnd one last shot of the 237th ready for action! Although Commander Bynn isn’t at all happy about some of the logos the lads have been daubing on the tank, the psychics – sorry, “differently abled” – all agree that there’s absolutely nothing to worry about..
So there we are, another army to get stuck in with when freedom reigns again! I’m quite pleased with these guys, they should get in close and hit hard – how will they do against Da Skooderia? Or the Hazzard 1977th? Only time will tell!
Stay thrifty out there, but most importantly stay safe, stay healthy and to quote Mel The Terrain Tutor, “Keep Calm And Crack On”! See y’all real soon now
The hive world of Hazzard, deep in the galactic south. A friendly and hospitable place, kept prosperous by it’s trade in lethally potent liquor to keep Imperial citizens in a state of blissful stupor.. and home to the Redeemers chapter of the Space Marines.
In the depths of winter, the world celebrates Emperor’s Mass – an ancient custom venerating the day that The Emperor (referred to in ancient Terran texts as Jesus, Santa Claus and Charlie Sheen) was born. Legend has it that on the Eve of this holy day, angels of the Imperium bestow gifts on every pious boy and girl…
But this year something wicked and evil grins on the horizon – licking it’s lips at juicy prey. The vanguard of a mighty Ork invasion force, WAAAGH-BOZZHOG, has made planetfall and an elite Redeemers strike force rushes to meet it…
(yep, straight away – in retrospect neither of us can drink, wargame and add up!)
Deplyoment:
Marines
I won the deployment roll and decided for the southern edge – that allowed me to deploy the Whirlwinds straight into the ruins of the Emperor Ascendant and onto objective 3. A task group comprising the Terminators and Land Raider company would take and hold the Astropath tower (objective 8). Two detachments of the Devastator company would deploy into the town front and centre, securing objective 2, while HQ and the third (Blue) detachment would rush forward and secure objective 4. The Warlord would deploy in between with the idea of supporting both groups and capturing the relay station (objective 1)
Marine deployment along the southern edge, viewed from the western end.
Orks
Stuck with the northern table edge, I had slimmer pickings, so I decided to abide by the great Orky concept of concentration of force! Seeing as I had basically three manoeuvre units – the Sunz, the Goffs and the Slasher I kept things simple, massing my force on the western side of the table.
With their huge speed, the Evil Sunz would loop round the town and charge the astropath tower (objective 8), while the Slasher and the Goffs would pound up the middle, capturing objectives 1, 6 and 7 in the process and then administering the coup de grace to whatever Imperial forces were unlucky enough to survive the Sunz onslaught!
Ork deployment – Evil Sunz, Slasher, Goffs
Turn 1
Orks won the initiative, surging forward like a green tode. The Evil Sunz gunned their engines and raced forward, a motley collection vehicles enveloping the town in a flanking movement and making for the Astropath tower, while the Goffs uttered an almighty WAAAAGH and hurtled forward waving bolt pistols and knives in a furious onslaught. The Slasher moved forward in a somewhat more considered fashion, positioning itself strategically to cover objectives 6 & 7.
The green tide rushes forward!
On the southern edge, Land Raiders gunned their engines and rolled forward to secure objective 8. Hulking Terminators leapt from the transports into cover while their Devastator brethren deployed in perfect formation from their Rhino transports to grab objectives 2 and 4.
Meanwhile, the Warlord lumbered into position between the two task groups
Ineffectual firing from both sides took out a few Evil Sunz battlewagons and the Mekboy Dragster, but nowhere near enough to make a dent. The Imperials hunkered down for the inevitable onslaught next turn..
Dispositions at the end of Turn 1 – Orks 15VPs, Marines 20VPs
Turn 2
Marines won the initiative and with pretty much the entire force on First Fire orders, we hunkered down and let the green tide come on..
Evil Sunz orks envelope the task force guarding the Astropath tower (objective 8)
First Fire defensive fire orders take a toll on the onrushing orks, but it’s not nearly enough..
For the most part, turn 2 concentrated on the Ork rush, Evil Sunz orks engulfing objective 8 causing heavy casualties to the Land Raiders and Terminators. Elsewhere, the Devastators picked off a couple of Goff lead tanks, the Whirlwinds stripped a power field off the Slasher and the Warlord and Slasher engaged in a fairly ineffective exchange of fire.
At the end of Turn 2, Orks lead 24VPs to 21.
Turn 3
We issued orders before checking initiative, having possibly gone A Beer Too Far – I banked on getting initiative and managing an orderly withdrawal, inflicting casualties on the Evil Sunz and luring the Goffs onto the guns of the Devastators and Warlord. Objectove 8 would fall, but we would regain it later.
That was the plan.
Then Dan won the initiative.
Evil Sunz slaughter the Land Raiders and Terminators in close combat
The Slasher, on First Fire orders, pivoted and fired a ball round into the Devastator detachment holding objective 2:
Before..
After.
As their infantry engulfed the defenders on the Astropath tower, the Evil Sunz battlewagons charged the Warlord!
Hoping for a miracle…
….nope.
The Imperial left flank comes to a sticky end
The Orks now held Objectives 1, 6, 7 & 8, as well as breaking the Terminators and the Land Raiders, putting them on 29VPs, but incredibly, the Devastators and the Warlord had caused enough damage to the Goffs to break them and the defenders of objective 8 had sold their lives dearly enough to break the Evil Sunz.. the Marines were on 39! 1 more and it would be an Imperial victory!
Turn 4:
Things were going to the wire this turn. A sole surviving Rhino sped off from the ruins of objective 2 to claim the empty objective 5 while the Orks were forced to swing their offensive to the left. The shattered remains of the Goffs moved to close assault the Warlord while the Evil Sunz regrouped and gave fire support and the Slasher loosed another ball round at the Devastators on objective 4.
Surviving Devastator Rhino from Blue Group takes Objective 5
Whirling melee as entire surviving Goff clan assault the Warlord
Another ball round, another building gone, and the Devastators are one casualty away from breaking..
After massacring the Goff infantry, a Nobz stand gets lucky – they penetrate the reactor and the Warlord explodes, wiping out everything around it..
Apart from these guys, who dust themselves off, ready to head back to camp for a squig vindaloo and a fungus ale
Amazingly enough, however, my quick thinking Rhino crew had saved the day, taking me up to 44 VPs – despite the enormous casualties he’d inflicted, gutting my force, Dan could only muster up 37. An Imperial victory!
But to the sole surviving Devastator detachment and Whirlwind battery, as they faced the remains of two ork clans and an undamaged Slasher, I’m sure it didn’t feel that way…
A great game all round, kudos to Dan for playing Orks like they were meant to be played and damn near pulling off a win despite our poor maths! After a brief reflection and a deep resonant belch, Dan declared he accepted the result but felt he’d earned a moral victory, and frankly, I have to agree with him. The pride of Hazzard was well and truly mauled, with only three Whirlwinds, four Rhinos and seven infantry stands remaining against four stands of Nobz, five of boyz and a fully functioning Slasher. The Redeemer’s PR department have their work cut on this one!
Tune in again soon for more of our Epic tomfoolery, and here’s wishing you all a very happy Christmas and New Year!
Skinflint Games 